The Troublesome Job
by shriveled.up.heart
Summary: In a world filled with sleezy mobsters and crooked cops, Shikamaru has been given a job to find one Naruto Uzumaki. And, just his luck, his only lead is femme fatale Ino Yamanaka. Will he be able to solve the crime without getting bumped? Eventual S/I
1. Intro: Troublesome Lead

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing to do with Naruto!

**WARNING**: This story contains: A LOT of film-noir slang (ex. 'Pow! Right in the **kisser**!' also terms like 'chya', 'whaddya', etc.); characters speak and act like film-noir versions of themselves; Mild swearing; Sexism towards women (takes place in the 40s; it's not a film-noir tribute without some good old fashion sexism).

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**Intro: Troublesome Lead**

It was the dark that night, the kind of dark that swallows people whole. Luckily for me I was in the well lit confines concrete jungle. The only reason I was even out that late was that I had a job to do. I was wearing my tan trench with the collar and lapels popped up. My brown fedora (1) with the thick black band around the rim was titled down. My goal was to be as inconspicuous as possible, and it seemed to be working. Not one head spared me a glance as they walked by.

I had got myself a copy of that day's newspaper from some punk kid who'd pasted by earlier. The headline read "Akatsuki Still At Large". With the crime rate being higher then it had been in years, Kohona was going to hell in a hand basket. Upside for me was that it kept me real busy. Downside was that it kept me _real_ busy.

I was currently tailing (2) the same blonde canary (3) that I had been for a few days. I was waiting for the broad (4) to breeze (5) the diner she'd been in for over an hour at that point. The time I was out there waiting made me think of all the shut-eye I could be getting instead of wasting my time keeping tabs on this broad.

But this particular job paid well and Kiba was busy on another with another case. I sometimes wonder what point there is to having a partner if they're always off doing something else. In Kiba's case, it usually involved chasing skirts (6).

I threw the newsprint away and lit a butt (7). Anko, our secretary, constantly rode mine and Kiba's asses about the 'nasty habit', but quite frankly I couldn't give a rat's ass. With all the jobs I get, smoking isn't gonna be the thing to bump (8) me, that's for sure.

The sound of high heeled shoes clanking against the concrete street, lead my eyes to my broad. She was a pretty little thing that's for sure. Her crystal blue eyes were doe-like and contrasted greatly with her painted red bitch lips (9). Long blonde curly hair that had obvious being brushed out went to her shoulder blades. She looked frightened and disarrayed.

She clutched her left hand to the lapel of her charcoal pea coat, while her right secured her matching crocheted cloche hat on her head. Her speed was quickening as she headed down an alley way. I kept a moderate speed until she was out of site, by that point I booked it. When I got to the alley I got knocked out by a blow to the head.

As I was slipping into the dark, I couldn't help but remember how I had gotten into this mess…

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**Translations  
**(1) Fedora: Hat most associated with detectives and mobsters from that time period  
(2) Tail: Follow  
(3) Canary: Female singer  
(4) Broad: Woman  
(5) Breeze: Leave  
(6) Skirt: Woman  
(7) Butt: Cigarette  
(8) Bump: Kill  
(7) Bitch Lips: Make-up term for how women lined their lips in the 40s

**Author's Note:** The idea for this came to me after watching some classic Bogart movies (specifically The Maltese Falcon and The Big Sleep). I haven't seen any film noir Naruto fics… actually I've only seen something along those lines in one Harry Potter fic I read a while back. So I wrote this to have something new up. I plan to do other film noir Naruto fics, not all private detective stuff though.

I'll be posting the next chapter later tonight or tomorrow, and just so you know it's longer then the intro XP.


	2. Scene One: Troublesome Colleagues

Scene One: Troublesome Employer

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing to do with Naruto!

**WARNING**: This story contains: A LOT of film-noir slang (ex. 'Pow! Right in the **kisser**!' also terms like 'chya', 'whaddya', etc.); characters speak and act like film-noir versions of themselves; Mild swearing; Sexism towards women (takes place in the 40s; it's not a film-noir tribute without some good old fashion sexism).

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**Scene One: Troublesome Colleagues**

_Two Days Previous_

I was leaning back in my chair, with my feet propped up on my desk, catching some zees. I had just finished staying up into the wee hours of the morning getting some paper work done from my last case, and right then I needed all the sleep I could get. But it was just my luck that the door to my office burst open, giving me no choice but to wake up.

"Morning lazy ass!" Kiba hollered as he slammed the door shut behind him. As per usual, Kiba looked like your typical jackass. He had a yellow and brown plaid sports jacket coupled with a pale yellow dress shirt, dirt brown slacks, and a pale yellow fedora with a deep purple band. His unruly brown hair and triangular tribal tattoos on both cheeks (something to do with his heritage, the hell if I know), is what changed the first impression one would have from 'idiot' to 'dumbass'.

"What's the matter Bozo?" I asked as I let out a big yawn. "Did they run outta face paint and rubber noses down at the clown college?"

"Hah, hah, always the card (1)!" he droned sarcastically as he pulled up a chair and plopped himself down. He threw me a cocky glance. "The dames (2) love a man with style."

"Well, you must be _real_ lonely wearing those duds (3)."

Kiba glared so intently at me, I felt like he would burn a hole through me. "Gee, with lines like that, it's a wonder they haven't hired you to write picture shows (4)."

"So, what chya got for me this time, Bo (5)?" I had gotten Kiba to dig up some dirt surrounding our newest case on the disappearance of one Naruto Uzumaki. He'd been missing for a few weeks now and his pals, Sasuke Uchiha and Sakura Haruno, were getting more then a little worried. "More useful then your last lead I hope." I leaned back in my chair and lit a butt. Like any other nicotine junkie, the fumes calmed me as they, according to Anko, poisoned my lungs. That's the funny thing about all the nice things in life. Sooner or later, they bite you right in the ass.

Kiba merely plopped the massive folder, which I had just noticed he had been holding, onto my lap. It wasn't something that unusually for me not to notice stuff like that because: (a) I was off duty, and (b) with all Kiba's ridiculous monkey suits, it wasn't hard to overlook certain details.

"Seems our bird (6), has a taste for nice dishes (7) good tunes." He pulled a butt out his chest pocket and snatched the lighter off my desk to light it. "He's been known to stop in at 'The Bird's Nest' to hear listen to this little canary." He flipped through the contents of the folder and pulled out a picture.

"You sure she's a canary? Not just some chippy (8) with some run-of-the-mill pipes?"

"Nah," he sighed immediately getting what I was hinting at. "Apparently it wuddn't like that. You see, it says this platinum blonde's name is Ino Yamanaka on the joint's (9) bill. But our guy and she go way back to a quite little village when she was a brunette and her name was Yuki Hirota."

"What is with country broads? Everyone that comes here changes their name and their hair colour."

"You know how fickle _all_ of them can be." Kiba remarked as he took a drag from his cig. "They get into show business, and all of the sudden their hair isn't light enough and their name is alluring enough. Just the way their minds work."

I snorted a little at the reality of his comment. Then something struck me. "Kiba," I began as I flipped through the file. "Doesn't Deidara run that club the canary works at?"

Kiba nodded. "Yeah… so what?"

I rolled my eyes at his daftness. Kiba was a good partner and all, but sometimes it he seemed ridiculously slow. "Deidara, as in Deidara who may nor may not be a card carrying member of the Akatsuki."

"Oh." He replied quietly. Well… quietly for Kiba, though for the most part it's still pretty loud.

"Yeah, 'oh'." I finished the last of my butt, and then put it out in the ashtray I kept on the table. "So, will you be up to tailing our lovely formerly brown haired dame tonight?"

Kiba sighed heavily. "I'd love to Shikamaru, I really would. But Hyuuga's making me babysit his nearest and dearest girls while he's off on business, it's part our on going arrangement." He explained, with a noticeable (at least to me anyway) undertone of excitement in his voice. "We both know how much hot water those two can get into. Especially since their body guard got promoted to heir of Hyuuga Inc."

I shook my head in disbelief. "And we both know you'll enjoy every minute of it."

He shrugged his shoulders. "What can I say; they're both ripe tomatoes (10)." He smirked slightly. "That and the older one's got a nice pair gams (11)."

"I really wonder if you think of anything else sometimes."

As Kiba was about to rebuttal, Anko barged in and slammed the door behind her. Unlike most secretaries, there was absolutely nothing calm or reserved about Anko. She was like a force of nature, something most cats (12) wouldn't wanna mess with! "Kiba, yer nine o'clock's waiting in your office."

Kiba furrowed his brow in confusion. "I don't remember having a nine o'clock, who is it?"

Anko looked at him like he just said the craziest thing she ever heard. "How the hell am I suppose tah know? You're the one who makes the appointments; I just gotta make sure you know when they pop-up!" She exclaimed. A moment later she knocked his fedora off of his head. "And don't you know your suppose to take your hat off when a lady enters a room. Were you born in a barn or something?"

I guess I didn't mention Anko wasn't much of a secretary. She dressed more like a girly bird then a dame. She usually forgot to give us our messages and mail until a week or so after she got them. She was rude and hostile, though only to us. And she made a crappy cup of Joe (13).

But with her low points came her redeeming features. She wasn't bad too look at. She was organized with case files. She was polite on the phone and in person to all of our employers, which led Kiba and me to believe she was bi-polar. And I'll admit she made decent blue berry muffins when she actually felt like it.

Kiba groaned in frustration. "Well can yah at least tell me what the hell they looks like?"

She swatted him on the shoulder. "Hey don't sass me, _jackass_!" Anko paused for a moment and looked as if she were in deep thought. "_He's_ an older cat… about five foot eleven… has long brown hair… oh, and the thing that probably sticks out is that fact he has light grey eyes with no pupils."

Kiba gave threw her a look that screamed 'it's so obvious it hurts'. "So from what you told me I should probably be expecting Hiashi Hyuuga. Who, I'll add just so you know for next time, is from the _only_ family who has grey eyes and no pupils in Kohona!"

"I guess so." She replied passively with a shrug. "By the way, the slacks and shirt with the spenders aren't too bad. But I'd leave the clown hat and jacket behind, trust me yer nine o'clock looks like he doesn't stand for shit like that."

"Fine!" he cried as he threw his jacket and hat at Anko. "Burn the damned things for all I care."

Anko smirked at him. "Gladly."

And with that Kiba waved me off and quickly left the room leaving the door ajar. As he left I could've sworn he was uttering death threats, which I guessed were aimed at Anko.

Anko laughed uncontrollably at how much she had pissed the guy off. "What a dumbass!" She turned her attention to me. "Hey lazy ass, wanna cup of Joe while your mulling over those files?"

I restrained the shudder of disgust I usually got from thinking about Anko's coffee. She either let it burn for fifteen minutes before she actually thought about serving or she made sure each and every last coffee bean she bought were the most bitter beans she could possibly find. Either way, you'd get the god awful substance she was delighted to serve to me as a result. "No thanks; I'll just pick up Cola or something from the machine later."

"You know it's not even noon yet, that much sugar _can't_ be good for you. I'll just make you Joe." Anko concluded. It irked me the way she asked me questions and then pretty much answered them for herself. Her eyes darted to my ashtray, which was overflowing with ashes. "You know, it's bad enough you have to smoke those cancer sticks, but you can't even clean up the remains when you're finished!"

"If it bugs you that much, you can clean it, and until you show me any creditable medical research to back up your claims about them being 'cancer sticks' I'm gonna keep on smoking 'em." I replied as I continued to read over the case file. Not that I would quit smoking if they ever did proved they could kill you. I just said it to piss her off. There had only been speculation about it from a few doctors, but they were probably right. Stuff like that usually turns out to be right eventually.

Anko huffed and said, "Whatever, there'll be coffee in a while then. I'll be out there manning the desk if you decide you wanna cup." She turned and walked through the door, and like always slammed it shut.

I let out a sigh of relief. Now I could get some work done without interruption. All I needed was figure out more stuff about the broad in the file and figure out where I should start off. 'Damnit, This is gonna be a long haul!' I thought to myself as I calculated the sleep I was probably gonna loose working on this case.

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**Translations  
**(1)Card: Joker; someone that's funny  
(2) Dame: Woman  
(3) Duds: Clothes  
(4) Picture Show: Movie  
(5) Bo: Pal, buddy, etc  
(6) Bird: Man  
(7) Dish: Pretty Woman  
(8) Chippy: Prostitute; Woman of easy virtue  
(9) Joint: An establishment.  
(10) Tomato: Pretty Woman  
(11)Gams: Legs  
(12) Cat: Guy  
(13) Joe: Coffee

**Author's Note: **So there's the first chapter. The investigation moves into full swing next chapter. So until then, see ya!


End file.
